Monday, April 12, 2010

Why I hate old people and what i think we should do with them.
I hate old people! Here's the thing, they serve no purpose. They drive like shit, they smell, and they give horrible gifts. The next time I get something cool for my birthday or christmas from my grandparents will be the first time. I don't even want to talk about their driving abilities(or lack thereof) cause it will only make me angry. With all that being said, here's what I propose; We send them to Africa! Here's why, Africa has alot of problems already so adding one more to the list won't hurt. They have to go somewhere cause we can't euthanize em! Dr. Kevorkian is proof of that. We could send them to France cause I hate those cheese, lovin' pansies, but I believe the old people would actually enjoy that place and we can't have that. So Africa it is. Here's why, there are alot of broken families, missing parents, extreme poverty, ect... Old people have lot's of money(which they don't share with their families or need for that matter), theres ton's of space for golf courses, and it's very warm there. Now, I've never been to Africa but I can imagine in most places it dosn't smell very good so were not commiting any type of smell pollution(I just made that up). It's a perfect fit, the old people can take care of the Africans, and the lions and tigers can take care of the old people, win - win! Now I know there are some out there that like their grandparents and will say " well I want to see my grandparents, I love them!" Great! Good for you love em all ya want, hell I love mine. But if ya want to see em book a plane to Africa cause once we get em sent over there, they're there for good.
February 28
Why I could never be gay!
Lately theres been an assault by the media, especially Hollywood, to educate us Ignoramus's(I think thats how you spell it) about Homosexuality. The biggest assault has been this dumbass movie about two gay cowboys called "Brokeback Mountain". Now I havn't seen the movie, and I won't for a plethora of reasons, but I will say Hollywood has some Big Gay Balls! I don't know if you remember a kid named Matthew Shepherd or not, but the one state in the union where horses outnumber cars does. I guess what i'm saying Hollywood producers is be careful what genre of hillbilly's you provoke. Aside from that, I know I'll never be gay. How do I know you ask, let me tell ya why. First of all i like chicks; Big ones, small ones, pretty ones, and even some not so pretty ones(although then they have to be skinny if they're not lookers) I like white chicks, black chicks, green, red and brown ones. But ok, that's odvious you say, explain how you would never be gay. Ok aside from the fact that I like chicks I dislike the gays. Now before you get all hell bent listen. I don't hate gay individuals per se but I hate the gay culture. Dudes shouldn't be feminine. Guys shouldn't call themselves queens, and princesses', and shes, and all that other gay shit they say about themselves. Now I firmly believe that Homosexuality is a sin, but I also believe that you must love your neighbor as yourself. So I'm not ignorant enough to say "I hate gay people" or " I wish they were all dead" or any of that hateful antigay sentiment. But i do wish I could watch an episode of "next" or "Roomraiders" without seeing a bunch of fruitbooters acting like drama queens and gayin out all over my tv. Now you might say, well brad, stop watchin those dumbass tv shows! And while I probably should I would reply why can't gay people just be normal people in all ways except that most important way? I know there are gay peopel that act every bit as normal as the majority of society, and I know the term or phrase "normal" is a loose term, but the flamboyant ones are ruining it for the rest of you. I've seen a paradigm shift over the years when it comes to the gays. When I was a kid theer were'nt to many "out" gays. Then that damn Ellen Degerenres had to come dancin out of her butch closet and announce to the world that she was queer(big surprise). Now you can't watch a show without some token gay person runnin around and taking over. I understand we live in a world with diversity and I'm ok with most of it but Hollywood don't tell me I have to embrace Homosexuality. I accept it because you're foolish if you just try and close your eyes to it, but I'll never embrace it. Basically if you're gay then fine be gay, but be normal as well. If your heterosexual then fine but don't flaunt your sexuality around. Be respectful of the world around us.
March 01
Why I am in love with a cheesy gordita crunch
I love Taco Bell! There I said it and I meant it. What's not to love. They have those tantalizing tacos and bangin burritos and they did it for me. They did it for me for a long, long time. But, I've found a new love, a love unlike any other. The Gordita Crunch! I'm a slave to that cheesy goodness and its savory sauciness. I personally want to thank the mensa who blended a hard crunchy shell with a soft chewy outer shell glued together by cheesy blissfulness. Then you throw in that yummy meaty stuff, slap some lettuce and tomatoes on there, and finally, drench it in a creamy, ranchy, type of dressing and voila; belissimo! I'm yours Ms. Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Pop culture "gurus" shut the hell up!
So I don't know if anyone out there has caught the recent trend of blending celebrity couples' names into one name, but this trend needs to drink the coolaid quick. If i hear one more thing about bennifer or brangelina or tomkat I'm gonna run head first into a brick wall. I mean it's bad enough that there are people in this world who actually get paid to worry about whether Angelina Jolie has enough collagen in her lips or if Tom Cruise is actually an Alien life force sent here to prepare Earth for her final Battle(although this one actually should be investigated, that guy is a wack next blog) or if Jennifer Garner's kid will be enough to keep that cheating whore faithful for all of 10 days, but I don't need to know all of this AND get a heaping spoonful of some wise ass' creative nameagram or whatever it is called when a bonehead with access to the world media combines celebrity names. Look, I like to be somewhat informed when it comes to whats a happening in the world of pop culture. And I have quite a few mediums in which to get informed. But pop culture dillholes please stop insulting mine and the worlds intelligence by mixing or blending or frappeing or whatever you fruities call it the names of celebrities. That sh#$ is tired!

Some old stuff i wrote!

March 06
Where has Maverik gone?
What the hell happened to Tom Cruise? Man that guy was such a badass when I was growin up and well into my twenties. But lately that guy has turned into a freakin wackjob. I'm sure most of it can be traced back to his involvement with those wierd ass scientologists and Ron L. Hubbard but damn Mav whats goin' on? Where's the smooth operator from Risky Business, or the cold, calculating villain from Collateral. I can't tell you the elation I felt about this time last year when I heard that my boy Mav was pimpin my longtime crush Joey Potter. And while I was a little torn that Pacey was gonna get Dawsoned, I was comforted by the fact that Jerry frickin Mcguire was gonna be keepin her warm at night. And then all hell breaks loose. I blame it on that witch Oprah! Man I hate her. She brings my boy on and the next thing I know dude is swingin from the rafters and jumpin on the couch and basically dying professionally right before my eyes. Why Ethan Hunt, why? Why did you have to have a "show me the money" moment on LIVE television? Was Cuba just offstage eggin' you on, is that what this is? Or is this some sort of Holy Sacrament in that alien Cult you give all of your money to. Listen Tommy, drop the freaks and geeks of that circus "religion" and get back to kickin ass and takin names from terrorists, pool sharks, and surly sports agents. Damn, I miss you mav!

Some old stuff i wrote

March 07
Jack Bauer-Immortal
I'm not gonna lie to ya, I love the TV show 24! It's one of those guilty pleasures in life that I take full advantage of. I can't think of much better in life than sittin' on my duff watchin' my boy Jack Bauer avoid death and dismememberment once an episode over a 24 hour day (That's 24 episodes for the less informed out there). Man that guy has more lives than a cat, fifty cent, and Osama Bin Laden all rolled into one. I guess it dosn't hurt that he produces the show as well. Here's the thing though, if all that shit happened to you in one day, and you survived, wouldn't you pretty much never go back to that job EVER again? Now I'm a patriot, and I love America as much as the next guy, and no I don't like nuclear fallout/chemical weapons/smelly terrorists, but damn let someone else save the world Jack, you paid your dues.
Another thing I love about 24 and specifically CTU or Counter Terrorism Unit-Los Angeles, is the comradery of its workers/employees. Now I've worked some cruddy jobs before and I've had some crappy, knuckleheaded coworkers before, but this group takes the beefcake. They will sell each other out for 2 pieces of silver and a chalupa! In this fictional realm they are pretty much the last line of defense for not just LA, but for pretty much the entire country. With that being said, wouldn't you think that they would maybe try and be a team. I mean these people are ruthless to each other. Chloe, the crazy ass red head who bites the head off of a guy she slept with the night before, would probably be the terrorist if she wasn't working for CTU(well there's always next season). This broad gets mad at you if you bought her lunch and told her she was pretty. Then ya have my man Edgar, 400 lbs of lisp lovin action. The guy can crack code, develop software to a video game, and eat a steak all at the same time. But ask him to have friendly conversation with anyone and he short circuits. Then theres Rudy aka samwise aka the retarded brother in 50 first dates aka Sean Astin as The step in head of CTU from Corporate. This guy is as paranoid as a mouse in a snake pit. Nothin's sucks more than a boss who micromanages you to the point of choppin off your leg, well I guess if he's five foot nothin that makes it worse. And finally there's President Charles Logan, this guy couldn't be president of a bag full of retards. He looks like he's gonna cry when ever he has to make a descision. "Hey President do you want paper or plastic"? "Um uh er a wahhhhhhhhhhhh". You little bitch! Man if I was President, and terrorists told me they were gonna blow stuff up or release nerve agents into the air, I'd climb through that phone and pimp slap that terrorist all the way to guantanamo bay.
Well that was my vitriolic rant about some of the inticacies of the show 24, tune in next time as Jack Bauer ties a terrorist into a pretzel and Edgar Stiles eats him while having internet relations with a 17 year old asian kid.