Monday, April 12, 2010

Why I hate old people and what i think we should do with them.
I hate old people! Here's the thing, they serve no purpose. They drive like shit, they smell, and they give horrible gifts. The next time I get something cool for my birthday or christmas from my grandparents will be the first time. I don't even want to talk about their driving abilities(or lack thereof) cause it will only make me angry. With all that being said, here's what I propose; We send them to Africa! Here's why, Africa has alot of problems already so adding one more to the list won't hurt. They have to go somewhere cause we can't euthanize em! Dr. Kevorkian is proof of that. We could send them to France cause I hate those cheese, lovin' pansies, but I believe the old people would actually enjoy that place and we can't have that. So Africa it is. Here's why, there are alot of broken families, missing parents, extreme poverty, ect... Old people have lot's of money(which they don't share with their families or need for that matter), theres ton's of space for golf courses, and it's very warm there. Now, I've never been to Africa but I can imagine in most places it dosn't smell very good so were not commiting any type of smell pollution(I just made that up). It's a perfect fit, the old people can take care of the Africans, and the lions and tigers can take care of the old people, win - win! Now I know there are some out there that like their grandparents and will say " well I want to see my grandparents, I love them!" Great! Good for you love em all ya want, hell I love mine. But if ya want to see em book a plane to Africa cause once we get em sent over there, they're there for good.
February 28
Why I could never be gay!
Lately theres been an assault by the media, especially Hollywood, to educate us Ignoramus's(I think thats how you spell it) about Homosexuality. The biggest assault has been this dumbass movie about two gay cowboys called "Brokeback Mountain". Now I havn't seen the movie, and I won't for a plethora of reasons, but I will say Hollywood has some Big Gay Balls! I don't know if you remember a kid named Matthew Shepherd or not, but the one state in the union where horses outnumber cars does. I guess what i'm saying Hollywood producers is be careful what genre of hillbilly's you provoke. Aside from that, I know I'll never be gay. How do I know you ask, let me tell ya why. First of all i like chicks; Big ones, small ones, pretty ones, and even some not so pretty ones(although then they have to be skinny if they're not lookers) I like white chicks, black chicks, green, red and brown ones. But ok, that's odvious you say, explain how you would never be gay. Ok aside from the fact that I like chicks I dislike the gays. Now before you get all hell bent listen. I don't hate gay individuals per se but I hate the gay culture. Dudes shouldn't be feminine. Guys shouldn't call themselves queens, and princesses', and shes, and all that other gay shit they say about themselves. Now I firmly believe that Homosexuality is a sin, but I also believe that you must love your neighbor as yourself. So I'm not ignorant enough to say "I hate gay people" or " I wish they were all dead" or any of that hateful antigay sentiment. But i do wish I could watch an episode of "next" or "Roomraiders" without seeing a bunch of fruitbooters acting like drama queens and gayin out all over my tv. Now you might say, well brad, stop watchin those dumbass tv shows! And while I probably should I would reply why can't gay people just be normal people in all ways except that most important way? I know there are gay peopel that act every bit as normal as the majority of society, and I know the term or phrase "normal" is a loose term, but the flamboyant ones are ruining it for the rest of you. I've seen a paradigm shift over the years when it comes to the gays. When I was a kid theer were'nt to many "out" gays. Then that damn Ellen Degerenres had to come dancin out of her butch closet and announce to the world that she was queer(big surprise). Now you can't watch a show without some token gay person runnin around and taking over. I understand we live in a world with diversity and I'm ok with most of it but Hollywood don't tell me I have to embrace Homosexuality. I accept it because you're foolish if you just try and close your eyes to it, but I'll never embrace it. Basically if you're gay then fine be gay, but be normal as well. If your heterosexual then fine but don't flaunt your sexuality around. Be respectful of the world around us.
March 01
Why I am in love with a cheesy gordita crunch
I love Taco Bell! There I said it and I meant it. What's not to love. They have those tantalizing tacos and bangin burritos and they did it for me. They did it for me for a long, long time. But, I've found a new love, a love unlike any other. The Gordita Crunch! I'm a slave to that cheesy goodness and its savory sauciness. I personally want to thank the mensa who blended a hard crunchy shell with a soft chewy outer shell glued together by cheesy blissfulness. Then you throw in that yummy meaty stuff, slap some lettuce and tomatoes on there, and finally, drench it in a creamy, ranchy, type of dressing and voila; belissimo! I'm yours Ms. Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Pop culture "gurus" shut the hell up!
So I don't know if anyone out there has caught the recent trend of blending celebrity couples' names into one name, but this trend needs to drink the coolaid quick. If i hear one more thing about bennifer or brangelina or tomkat I'm gonna run head first into a brick wall. I mean it's bad enough that there are people in this world who actually get paid to worry about whether Angelina Jolie has enough collagen in her lips or if Tom Cruise is actually an Alien life force sent here to prepare Earth for her final Battle(although this one actually should be investigated, that guy is a wack next blog) or if Jennifer Garner's kid will be enough to keep that cheating whore faithful for all of 10 days, but I don't need to know all of this AND get a heaping spoonful of some wise ass' creative nameagram or whatever it is called when a bonehead with access to the world media combines celebrity names. Look, I like to be somewhat informed when it comes to whats a happening in the world of pop culture. And I have quite a few mediums in which to get informed. But pop culture dillholes please stop insulting mine and the worlds intelligence by mixing or blending or frappeing or whatever you fruities call it the names of celebrities. That sh#$ is tired!

Some old stuff i wrote!

March 06
Where has Maverik gone?
What the hell happened to Tom Cruise? Man that guy was such a badass when I was growin up and well into my twenties. But lately that guy has turned into a freakin wackjob. I'm sure most of it can be traced back to his involvement with those wierd ass scientologists and Ron L. Hubbard but damn Mav whats goin' on? Where's the smooth operator from Risky Business, or the cold, calculating villain from Collateral. I can't tell you the elation I felt about this time last year when I heard that my boy Mav was pimpin my longtime crush Joey Potter. And while I was a little torn that Pacey was gonna get Dawsoned, I was comforted by the fact that Jerry frickin Mcguire was gonna be keepin her warm at night. And then all hell breaks loose. I blame it on that witch Oprah! Man I hate her. She brings my boy on and the next thing I know dude is swingin from the rafters and jumpin on the couch and basically dying professionally right before my eyes. Why Ethan Hunt, why? Why did you have to have a "show me the money" moment on LIVE television? Was Cuba just offstage eggin' you on, is that what this is? Or is this some sort of Holy Sacrament in that alien Cult you give all of your money to. Listen Tommy, drop the freaks and geeks of that circus "religion" and get back to kickin ass and takin names from terrorists, pool sharks, and surly sports agents. Damn, I miss you mav!

Some old stuff i wrote

March 07
Jack Bauer-Immortal
I'm not gonna lie to ya, I love the TV show 24! It's one of those guilty pleasures in life that I take full advantage of. I can't think of much better in life than sittin' on my duff watchin' my boy Jack Bauer avoid death and dismememberment once an episode over a 24 hour day (That's 24 episodes for the less informed out there). Man that guy has more lives than a cat, fifty cent, and Osama Bin Laden all rolled into one. I guess it dosn't hurt that he produces the show as well. Here's the thing though, if all that shit happened to you in one day, and you survived, wouldn't you pretty much never go back to that job EVER again? Now I'm a patriot, and I love America as much as the next guy, and no I don't like nuclear fallout/chemical weapons/smelly terrorists, but damn let someone else save the world Jack, you paid your dues.
Another thing I love about 24 and specifically CTU or Counter Terrorism Unit-Los Angeles, is the comradery of its workers/employees. Now I've worked some cruddy jobs before and I've had some crappy, knuckleheaded coworkers before, but this group takes the beefcake. They will sell each other out for 2 pieces of silver and a chalupa! In this fictional realm they are pretty much the last line of defense for not just LA, but for pretty much the entire country. With that being said, wouldn't you think that they would maybe try and be a team. I mean these people are ruthless to each other. Chloe, the crazy ass red head who bites the head off of a guy she slept with the night before, would probably be the terrorist if she wasn't working for CTU(well there's always next season). This broad gets mad at you if you bought her lunch and told her she was pretty. Then ya have my man Edgar, 400 lbs of lisp lovin action. The guy can crack code, develop software to a video game, and eat a steak all at the same time. But ask him to have friendly conversation with anyone and he short circuits. Then theres Rudy aka samwise aka the retarded brother in 50 first dates aka Sean Astin as The step in head of CTU from Corporate. This guy is as paranoid as a mouse in a snake pit. Nothin's sucks more than a boss who micromanages you to the point of choppin off your leg, well I guess if he's five foot nothin that makes it worse. And finally there's President Charles Logan, this guy couldn't be president of a bag full of retards. He looks like he's gonna cry when ever he has to make a descision. "Hey President do you want paper or plastic"? "Um uh er a wahhhhhhhhhhhh". You little bitch! Man if I was President, and terrorists told me they were gonna blow stuff up or release nerve agents into the air, I'd climb through that phone and pimp slap that terrorist all the way to guantanamo bay.
Well that was my vitriolic rant about some of the inticacies of the show 24, tune in next time as Jack Bauer ties a terrorist into a pretzel and Edgar Stiles eats him while having internet relations with a 17 year old asian kid.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My crazy life; a glimpse.

Hello world! So I was sittin at the computer tonight doin my thang ya know trollin on facebook and linkup and lord knows what else tryin to find chicks (yeah that's what old, decroded 33 yr olds do on the average wednesday night)by the way is "decroded" a word? Anyways as I was acessing the state of my pitiful existence, I realized I hadn't written on the old blog in a while. Now when I say a while I mean it's been a damn long time.! In fact I had comments on there from July that I didn't even know were on there from people I havn't heard from in years, so I apologize for not responding. Anyhow the world has completely flipped in the last eight or so months since I updated this. Let's see, we have a new president, our economy is in the crapper, Britney Spears got her shi(I love only saying part of the swear word) together, and American Idol now has four(4) judges! What the hell! How Paula Abdul still has a job anywhere is such a mystery to me. That broad is one crazy pill away from the loony bin and she's prob makin 25 times my salary. So I'm watchin the show the last two nights and it's just crackin me up. The best is the retards who actually think they're good and then get all butt-hurt when the judges tell them they suck. That's hilarious to me. I did feel bad tonight when this one social misfit with a haircut like Harry's from "Dumb and Dumber"came out to quote prove to his mom that he could sing and did belong there close quote, and made a complete assclown out of himself. I mean some of these boners need to tape themselves singing, then play it back in a quiet place and hopefully realize they're no good, and maybe, just maybe, decide that showcasing their trainwreck of lives on a national stage is probably a bad idea. Of course if that show's format was just all good people the entire time maybe it would get old I don't know I'm not one of the judges. Well at least not yet, shit,who knows what'll happen. So new prez, new Brittney(which personally I'm very thankful for because I don't want the future mother of my children to be a crazy, bald gal, and I don't think that's being picky. but I digress....)so yeah new prez, new Britt, new Idol and what else oh yeah new Brad makeout stories! You asked for em and you got em. So man where to start theres just so many to choose from, wow, well let's see um there was the Mandy/Monica debacle, and there was Sara on the cruise, and there was Rachel on the first cruise back in may(those cruises are a goldmine for all you single folks out there, seriously!) and let's see there was a couple of chicks JD and I met at a club one night, well we didn't meet them there we met up with them but you get the point. So theres prob a couple more but let's talk about Mandy. So I'd like to share with you why I'm an idiot. So I met this girl named Mandy and I really liked her. Now those of you who know me know that I'm super smooth with the ladies and that I never do anything that I would later regret. That was a joke! Ok so I met this girl and I informed her that I liked her and we started dating. So far so good.  After a few dates she informed me that she "likes" me but is not nessesarily ready for a boyfriend. No that's not it I think her exact words were "I don't wnt a boyfriend". Ok well most smart people would say thank you and go about their business with there tail between their legs right? Not me. Now I'm not the most ambitious guy but every once in  great while I get a wild hair up you know where and I don't take no for an answer and this was one of those times. I think President Benson called it pride but i could be wrong. Anyhow she genuinely did want to continue dating and since we had mutual friends we continued to hang out and our nights usually ended with me trying to score her and her politely declining multiple times( I told you I'm persistant). But everything was good , she got me and  she wanted to date but just not seriously. So we continued in our stalemate for a few weeks and thats when we get to the good stuff. So we decided to all(me, her and a group of friends)go to mandy's hometown for an end of summer party that her town has. Prior to going Mandy took me aside and emphasized to me that she did not want me to act like her boyfriend at all. She didn't want me to hold her hand or act affectionate at all(I'm kinda bad at the pda)(and by bad I mean good I do it alot). Now as point of clarification we were dating mutually and we had kissed but she had made it clear that she was a slow mover in the relationship arena and was not ready for a boyfriend. Ok so we go to Ferron which is the town she's from to go to this party/demolition derby that her town puts on. So we got there rather early in the day to watch the BYU game and there was another group of her friends there that  I had not met. Well as per her wishes I stayed away and was not flirtatious with her which is what I thought she wanted, but keep in mind I really liked this girl alot. So long story short I met some new people and specifically some new girls and over the course of the day and evening we all became friends. In the course of our time together I found myself giving some girls back massages and other times we were all laying around downstairs talking and it was at this point that Mandy's mother found me in a bed with three of the girls and we were talking. Now it was innocent and we were just getting to know each other and what better way to do so than cuddling with three girls on some strange bed. Anyhow Mandy's mom saw this and kinda just stared awkwardly for a few moments then left. Now retrospectively I can imagine that if you see some guy who you think likes your daughter in your house in a bed with three girls who are not your daughter and your already quite old fashioned in your values as it is this would be a queer situation( i'm using the old version of this word people). Well a smart man would have gotten up and tried to defuse the situation by explaining to the girl he likes the complete context of what had happened, but A) I'm not a smart man, and 2) damn if I wasn't extremely comfortable. So it should come as no surprise that a few minutes later Mandy poked her head in the room for a brief second then left. Now not to be repetitive but I should have gone after her and explained. I didn't. In fairness to me, mine is not a life of frequent trysts to strange beds with multiple women so judge me gently. And frankly, if I can be so, I didn't really feel bad because she was rejecting me. I would have preferred to be laying in a bed with her cuddling, but it was not to be so and as such I found the next best thing. So it was time to go to bed and we were all scattered around the house and I decided to sleep in this room with these girls as there was another bed in the room. A bit later after going down for the night one of Mandy's other friends came into the room and asked to speak to me. She informed me in a fairly harsh tone that I was a bonehead and Mandy was hurt and upset.  I sarcastically thanked her and went back to bed. Well after a while my smart side kicked in and I felt some remorse for hurting her because remember I really liked her. So I went to her room and quietly went in. I called her name and after what seemed like an eternity she said "what do you want". Ouch! Paradigm shifts are funny, one moment I'm ready to beg for forgiveness and grovel for scraps and then one little statement in the wrong tone and it's on. Now I had never been cross with Mandy prior to this and I don't pride myself on fighting with people, especially females, but let's just say we had a go. Well it comes to my attention that Mandy has told her family that we were dating and that i like her, which is news to me after the very specific talking to she gave me prior to coming, in the which she clearly stated that I was not to in any way act like i liked her, if that makes sense? So she is embarrassed for herself and me because now her family thinks I'm some big jerk and player, and apparently I'm some sort of jigalo cause I'm in bed with three women. Hell I wish. JK. So we hash it out for a bit and I'm pretty forceful in my view that she drove me to the arms of another womens( i know it doesn't make sense but remember there was three of em)lol I crack me up! so I don't know if it was the masculinity of standing up for myself or she wanted me to just shut up, or if she was just horny(pardon my manness) but the events that followed were completely unexpected. Mandy asked me to stop talking and come closer to where she was on the bed. Now we had kissed a few times but we had never made out because she didn't do that unless she was in a relationship. Well i got on the bed by her and as I looked into her eyes she suddenly jumped me. Now the passionate kissfest that followed was, I'll have to say one of my best ever. You know that lightheaded, woosy feeling one gets from things like oh say winning an award or doing a good deed or a delicious cheesy gordita crunch, that was how I felt! Now we made out for quite a while and it was magical.We prob could have gone for awhile longer but I told her we needed to stop, mostly cause I was gettin pretty hot and bothered, and men don't exactly make the best decisions in this frame of mind. At least I don't. Well I said goodnight and went back to bed. 
Well the moral of this story brothers and sisters, is that in the face of adversity stick to your guns and argue! Argue your ass off to the point they just want you to shut up and kiss em. Well things did not end Disney like with myself and the sweet princess Mandy. After returning to bed to retire for the evening I was greeted by the tempting comfort of one of Mandy's "friends" who was in the room where we were sleeping. This friend just happened to be wearing a "Hooter's" tank top and some booty shorts and let's just say she was not ugly. Well I'm a strong man, aw hell who we kiddin, I'm not strong at all and well I crawled into bed with her. This was brought to Mandy's attention, and combined with some other things and time we drifted apart. Am I proud? Retrospectively, Hell yeah I am! Well that was quite a few moons ago, and I like to think I'm a better man for my experiences but I can't be sure. 
Well i'm tired and I think I'm gonna yata hey, I think that's how ya spell it. I appreciate your ears or in this case eyes and I promise I'll put more on here more frequently. I do want all my friends and family to know that I love them and enjoy the relationships we have. Peace out for the time being.